


The Great Apartment 4D Christmas Party Hop

by cecilia095



Series: The Gang Goes On a Party Hop [1]
Category: New Girl
Genre: Christmas, F/M, Gen, I'm Serious, Lots of Ugly Sweaters, Multi, Ugly Sweaters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-15
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-06 20:18:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5429432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cecilia095/pseuds/cecilia095
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Five parties. Two sets of boobs. Three drunken idiots. One designated driver - sorry Jess. Christ-mas!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Great Apartment 4D Christmas Party Hop

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I had to. We're not getting a Christmas episode this year and YES I am sad about that fact so YES I had to write this.
> 
> And YES, if you look up the ugly sweaters mentioned in the fic, they're definitely real (and definitely ugly), and the 'FRUIT CAKE' one might be my favorite, so do that if you want to laugh.

APARTMENT 4D, DECEMBER 23RD, 2015, 5:36 PM

"Five parties. Two sets of boobs. Three drunken idiots. One designated driver - sorry Jess. Christ- _mas_!"

"You're Jewish, Schmidt! You can't say 'Christ- _mas_!"

"I can and I will, every year, every twenty-third of December, I'll just -"

"No time! Get your ugly sweaters and let's bounce, y'all."

—

MELISSA AND SADIE'S LESBIAN COOKIE PARTY, DECEMBER 23RD, 2015, 6:10 PM

"I don't know, is it a thing, do lesbians do nothing but sit around and decorate gingerbread cookies all season long?"

"Not just gingerbread! This year Sadie promised me she'd have sugar cookies in the shape of angels. That could be fun, right?"

Schmidt snickers at Jess in the rear-view mirror and tells her, "Twenty minutes in there. Tops. You can decorate cookies with your lesbian friends  _any_ other day, Jess."

He parks the car and everyone almost races in. Sadie and Melissa are nowhere to be found, which is good, they can get out of there faster and still say, ' _We were there all night! Did you not see us?!_ '

Jess is the only one who's even remotely excited about painting faces onto gingerbread men with icing. The rest of them are all, "Has it been twenty minutes yet?" and Schmidt even checks his watch, complete with an eye roll and everything, and says, "It's been four. Four minutes. Let me choke on a gingerbread man and die, my friends."

Cece and Winston pretend to get into it, because they have sixteen minutes to kill and they're both  _starving_. Winston makes a gingerbread man with a full head of black hair and writes, 'COACH' on his middle in red icing. "In memory of Coach!", he says, holding it to everyone's view, and they all get kind of sad for a second at the fact that their former roomie is 3,000 miles away probably attending a Christmas party on the top of the Empire State Building with all his new socialite friends, or something.

Nick and Schmidt don't even pretend to be interested. It's 6:17 PM and Nick tugs on the sleeve of Jess' red peacoat (' _Watch the sleeves, Miller, this thing was pricy_!') and is all, "Can we  _gooooo_?" and she's almost ready to be like, "Yeah, sure, let's go, right now", because she gives into Nick easier than she gives into everybody else.

"Fine. Three minutes."

—

PAUL GENZLINGER'S UGLY SWEATER PARTY, DECEMBER 23RD, 2015, 6:43 PM

"I don't own anything ugly. He would've  _thought_!" Schmidt's currently throwing on an itchy green sweater with a picture of Jesus holding a balloon on it and the words, 'BIRTHDAY BOY' across, but only because Cece and Jess made him. Mostly Jess. She lives for this stuff.

"I think you look sexy," Cece says, straightening his sweater out once Schmidt's got it on.

"Says the girl wearing a sweater that just says, 'I'M ON THE NAUGHTY LIST'." Schmidt rolls his eyes at his fiancé's choice of attire. "I mean, it's not even ugly, it's kind of hot and we  _might_ have to do it in P. Genz's bathroom now."

Jess points a finger at the two of them accusingly, eyes all bugged out, and she screams, "NO! No doing it  _anywhere_. Our next party is at 7:30 and we're not showing up  _sexed_."

Jess' ex-boyfriend Paul Genzlinger is standing at the door wearing a green and red sweater that just says, 'FRUIT CAKE' on it with... you guessed it... a picture of a fruit cake, and Jess has no time to question what  _that's_ all about because he's rushing them inside, screaming, "I'M SO GLAD YOU GUYS COULD MAKE IT!" over blaring techno music.

Jess embraces her former lover in an awkward, one-armed, please-let-this-end hug, and then everyone else hugs Paul, too. 

"Where's the tequila at, man?" Nick is quick to ask, and Paul laughs because he doesn't think Nick is actually serious, but he is, he's dead serious.

Jess, the Appointed Designated Driver (" _I'm serious Jess, not a_ drop _of wine_ ," warned Schmidt earlier, because he wanted to get T-U-R-N-T  _Turnt_!, whatever that means) excuses her friend and Paul just waves a hand at her.

Paul's about to show Nick where all the liquor is when the six of them hear, "SPIN THE BOTTLE!" coming from the other room. No one knows who initiated it, but suddenly everyone's sitting Indian style on Paul's living room floor spinning an empty bottle of Heisler and making out and Jess has to literally cover her eyes at one point because it's such a mess.

"You're not playin'?" asks Nick, and Jess is sitting behind him, waving a hand dismissively. "Alright." He shrugs and lands on Cece, and at first Schmidt is all, "I'LL KILL YOU, MAN!" but Nick tells him to shut up, that it's  _the game_ , and Schmidt just takes a tequila shot and covers his eyes when Cece and Nick meet in the middle. 

They break apart after a second and despite being too-drunk-to-remember-any-of-your-names drunk, Cece wrinkles her nose and says, "Eww" and Nick says, "What?! I ate a mint!" defensively.

A few more turns and Paul's kissing Schmidt - twice. Nick lands on Winston, and even though he's a little more than shitfaced, he says, "No way, dude" when Winston says, "Pucker up, Miller!". Cece lands on Schmidt and everyone's like, "Aww!" because they're the only ones there who are an actual couple, but five seconds later there's like...  _tonguetonguetongue_ and Nick breaks them apart to spare everyone.

"Get in on the action, Jess!" Paul calls out to his ex-girlfriend, and she protests three times, and then says, "Ah, what the hell!" when everyone starts chanting for her to join in.

It's Nick's turn to go, and naturally,  _of-friggin'-course_ , he lands on her, on Jess.

It's been what, almost two years since Jess' mouth has touched Nick's mouth? For the sake of the game, and the party, and Nick's drunkenness, Jess leans in and closes her eyes and tries to ignore everyone chanting, "KISS! KISS! KISS!" at the two of them. Nick's lips surrender the second Jess' lips touch them, and he smells like straight up booze and a little bit of familiarity, and he goes in for another one because Cece and Winston are whistling at them.

"That's - that's enough, that's good," says Jess, and she pulls away, both hands on Nick's shoulders. "We should really head to the third party."

"Why would we leave?" Nick asks, drunkenly grabbing onto the sleeves of Jess' ugly sweater and tugging her closer. "P. Genz is the  _man_."

"P. GENZ!"

—

THE EXTERIOR OF PAUL GENZLINGER'S UGLY SWEATER PARTY, DECEMBER 23RD, 2015, 8:22 PM

123-pound Jess has to haul everyone's drunk asses into Schmidt's Ford Flex, and by the time she gets to Winston, she's about to be like, "Nope, that's it, no third party!" but then she remembers Schmidt said something about an ice skating rink and a dessert table, so... 

"I'm - I'm gonna throw up all - all over my ugly sweater," Schmidt says quickly, and Jess is like, ninety-eight percent sure he's dry heaving in the backseat of his own car. "Hold me, Nicholas. I want you to be last person I touch before I die."

Cece's in the back next to Nick and Schmidt, rolling her eyes at her fiancé and his dramatics. "I told you not to take Jell-o shots. You're sensitive."

Another dry heave. Jess starts the engine anyway, typing the address into Schmidt's GPS. 

"It's - it's not the alcohol. I got nauseous thinking about Cece and Nick's kiss during Spin the Bottle. I think I'm good now."

—

THE EXTERIOR OF ASSOCIATED STRATEGIES, DECEMBER 23RD, 2015, 8:41 PM

"Wait, your office's Christmas party wasn't supposed to be the next on our list," Jess says, staring at the exterior of Schmidt's workplace from the driver's seat window. "Gerhardt Schoubi's party was next." He's Schmidt's friend. Super fancy. Ice skating rink in his yard. The whole works.

"Yeah, no, yeah, we're not - we're not going in  _there_ ," says Schmidt, dizzily pointing to the building and shaking his head. "If we go inside I'm just - I'm gonna throw up all over Kim's Sexy Santa suit."

"I second that," Nick agrees, leaning over Cece and Schmidt to tug on the sleeve of Jess' jacket. Again with the pulling of the peacoat. "I'm too drunk to talk to fancy office people. Bring us to Gerhardt Schowoowoowoobee's."

"I don't think it's 'Schowoowoowoobee', but yeah, bring us there."

There's another dry heave, and Jess is like, "Again?! Where's the bucket?!"

"It's me," says Cece, raising up a hand, and she tells Jess to keep the car parked for a second.

"Cecelia, throw up in the backseat of the Manbulance and so help me God I'll -"

"He's gonna throw up too, isn't he?" Jess is disgusted, and she keeps the car in park and gets out and races to the backseat and holds Cece and Nick's holding Schmidt and they can't find  _the bucket_ anywhere and next year she's definitely not agreeing to be the Designated Driver _._

—

GERHARDT SCHOUBI'S PARTY (THE ONE WITH THE ICE SKATING RINK), DECEMBER 23RD, 2015, 9:16 PM

"Yeah, no, I'm not ice skating," says Cece, and she's all pale in the face and Jess shoves a stick of gum at her and then gives one to Schmidt, too.

"I'm ice skating!" says Nick, and he turns back to the group and asks who's coming with. "None of you? For real? We get to go ice skating, for free, to sychronized techno music, for  _free_ , and none of you clowns wanna do it? Next Christmas I'm asking Santa for new friends."

"I told you he was real, dude!" Winston says excitedly. 

"I-I'll go," Jess says, but it takes her a minute, and then suddenly Nick is helping her squeeze into skates while the rest of their friends just watch. "Do you know how to ice skate?" she asks Nick, and he just raises an eyebrow at her and repeats her question: " _Do_   _I know how to ice skate_? Ha. Ha."

"Oh God, you don't, okay, that's fine, just -"

Nick's holding onto her for  _dear life_ , and Winston is taking pictures and laughing at them, and Jess blames the redness of her cheeks on the fact that it's actually super cold back here, not the fact that she actually doesn't mind teaching Nick how to ice skate, doesn't mind him tugging onto her peacoat every time he feels like he's going to fall - which is... well... the whole time.

"I'm getting better, Jessica," he points out, and _no_ , he's not, but he lets go of her with one arm, his left arm still very much holding her by the wrist. He pivots a little bit so that he's side-by-side with Jess, and okay, now it looks like they're in a Christmas movie like  _Elf_ or something, and Winston's  _still_ laughing at them, and - 

"Okay, I'm kind of tired now, you have to let go."

"But I'll fall," Nick says, dumbfounded. 

"No you won't," she says, and she lets go, takes Nick's arm off of her, and - oh shit, he  _actually_ falls.

"JESSICA!"

"I'M SO SORRY! HOLD ON."

"I'M IN PAIN AND I THINK I JUST DIED FOR A SECOND AND OH MY GOD THIS ICE IS  _COOOLD_. HOW DID HE MAKE THE ICE  _COOOLD_?"

—

GERHARDT SCHOUBI'S PARTY (THE ONE WITH THE ICE SKATING RINK), DECEMBER 23RD, 2015, 9:49 PM

Schmidt digs through the freezer in Gerhardt's kitchen. "I'm totally V.I.P.," he says, pulling out a pack of frozen edamame out and handing it to Jess.

"What the hell is edamame?" 

"Rich people food," Cece answers, rolling her eyes. "You  _really_ shouldn't be going through his freezer, babe," she says to Schmidt.

" _V.I.P._ ," he repeats. "Besides, this is just the downstairs fridge. He has three more kitchens. He won't even notice."

Jess thanks Schmidt and races over to the couch, where Nick is laying face-first on what she assumes is some very expensive leather. "Sit up," she directs, and he does, and then she asks, "Where does it hurt?"

"Umm... can ' _everywhere_ ' be my answer?"

"No, because you didn't fall that hard."

She ices Nick's back first, and a few minutes into it he sits up and shrugs. "You didn't have to do that."

"I - It's not a big deal."

He leans up and kisses her forehead for what feels like a long time and she doesn't have too much time to read into it because Schmidt interrupts with a, "THERE'S A REAL LIVE REINDEER IN GERHARDT'S BACKYARD, YOU GUYS!"

—

SCHMIDT'S 'MANBULANCE' - AHEM, FORD FLEX -, DECEMBER 23RD, 2015, 10:12 PM

"Where's the last party?" asks Jess, ready to type the address into Schmidt's GPS.

"My buddy Dugan's place," Winston says, and then he reaches over to the GPS and shuts it off, "but do we  _really_ want to party with a bunch of boring ol' cops tonight?"

Nick: "Is there booze?"

Cece: "Couldn't care less."

Schmidt: "NO! I'D RATHER LOSE MY ARM IN A FIRE!" 

"Thanks, guys, that was really helpful." Jess twists the keys in the ignition. "How about 'Jessica Day's Christmas Party'? It's in Apartment 4D. You might've heard of it."

—

APARTMENT 4D, DECEMBER 23RD, 2015, 11:01 PM

"Okay, you know the rules. You lose, you wear the Slutty Santa costume."

"You know, I've dressed up as a lot of things in my adult life, and Slutty Santa would  _not_ be the worst."

"We know, Schmidt."

Winston invites his cop partner, Aly, over to the loft, so now there's six of them, and they're kind of running around in circles playing True American - Holiday Edition!, whatever that means. 

"SANTA CLAUS!"

"MRS. CLAUS!"

"HO HO HO!"

They chug a beer each, as fast as they can. Jess is feeling a little tipsy now, but not as tipsy - okay, straight up _drunk_ \- as the rest of her friends.

"Oh, you still have some left in your bottle!" Nick points at Jess accusingly and snatches the beer bottle right out of her hands, tipping it toward the ground. A few drops come pouring out and she curses at him, but he just ignores her and says, "SLUTTY SANTA!"

Jess protests and says, "No fair! Rematch!" but Cece and Schmidt are already all-too-eager to slide her into the Slutty Santa costume.

"Go change in the bathroom," Cece says, pointing to the end of the hall. "It's a little... exposed."

"Yeah, I get that."

Jess comes out from the bathroom six minutes later - the thing took a long time to get over her head, okay? - and everyone's whistling at her.

"Slutty Santa indeed!" Aly says, clapping her hands together, and Winston whistles the loudest and makes a comment about how he better go get into a Mrs. Claus costume.

Jess wrinkles her nose. "Once in a dream, Winston, that's  _it_."

Cece and Schmidt take a picture of her all dressed up like that, but Nick is kind of backed up into the corner all - She can't exactly read that face, actually.

"What, Nick?" Jess asks with a whisper once everyone else gets back to the game. Nick hasn't said anything since she came out in that outfit. "I know, it's ridiculous, but could you imagine Schmidt in it?"

Nick shudders, and then says, "Actually, I  _could_ , and he _would_ , which is why I'm making this face."

"Ah."

"Thanks for taking care of us all tonight, Jess."

She nods and backs up against the wall next to him, her arms folded across her chest, because her Santa boobs are pretty... out there. 

"I mean it," he continues. "You always... bring everyone together. Before you, I spent every 23rd making out with a random chick at Schmidt's yearly office party."

Jess bites the inside of her cheek. 

"I guess I'm just sayin' 'thanks'. Can you accept that and then stop looking at me like that?"

She looks to the ground and feels her cheeks get hot. "Accepting it."


End file.
